i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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