I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
