You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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