i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
