my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
