know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
