o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
