hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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