I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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