the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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