Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize