Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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