so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
