i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
