god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
