oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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