i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
