Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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