he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
