so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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