you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
MIDGETS
????
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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