I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You can't special order awesome
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize