Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
