they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
