So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
