She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Someone came in the potted fern
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
