i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
