Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
what is it with giant penises always finding me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize