It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
