i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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