I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
