Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
