Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
