It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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