Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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