my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
