I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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