i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
