dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
