I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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