sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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