Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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