matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
