I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
