last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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