I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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