i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
