the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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