Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
