Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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