Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
