fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I love having hate sex.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
