she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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