i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
