I think my fart just growled at me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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