When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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