k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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