Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
