i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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