Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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